Little Pieces Of Me
Everyone seems to have a list about themselves, so I thought, “Why not share some of my specializes with the all of you? You deserve to have a little sunshine in your bleak lives.” However, in the interest of keeping your jealousy down to a minimum, I will only share a few morsels of Craziness.
- You know that cologne of perfume that you or [men, insert appropriate term] – (your wife/your girlfriend/your significant other/your mother/that person you are stalking)- wear(s) that smells so good. Well, that is what I smell like all the time. It is my natural scent. I don’t have body odor, I have body aroma. I just smell that good. In fact, that cologne or perfume you like, it is actually essence of me. That’s right, I bottle my own natural scent and share it with others, because I hate to be stingy.
- I am the smartest person who has ever lived. Socrates, Aristotle, DaVinci, Einstein; they had nothing on me. Their brilliance is but a dull glimmer compared to the blindly glare of my genius. I am so smart that I wisely hide my exceptional intelligence to throw off the masses of people who may become jealous and seek to destroy what they could never possible be.
- Al Gore did not invent the internet and Romy did not invent Post-It Notes. I invented them both. I was bored one day and invented Post-It Notes as a quick and easy way to write “Kick Me” signs and stick them on people’s back. I invented the internet as a quick and easy way to post and share pictures of people I put “Kick Me” signs on.
- I am an expert in every form of martial arts. I have a black belt in everything. I am a lethal fighting machine. Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme and Jackie Chan only wish they could kick ass like I do. In fact, I could take all three of them on and have them all hollering within 2 minutes, no martial arts needed. Which leads me to my next claim to fame…
- I am the world’s leading authority on sex. Yes, it’s true, I’m a sex expert. I am currently working on rewriting the Kama Sutra as there are about 57 different positions that were left out of the original. Masters and Johnson didn’t know squat compared to the vast wealth of knowledge I hold on the subject. Not only am an expert on all information involving sex, but I’m a master of the technique. Having sex with me is the closest you can possibly get to heaven without dying. In fact, it is not recommended for people with weak hearts to have sex with me as the intense ecstasy would mean certain death from a heart attack.
Now take these little pieces of me and savor them. They will give you hope when your feel discouraged. It sometimes helps to know that even though you can never come close to achieving my level of greatness, no one else can either.